‘But I want to.’
I was losing the fight.
‘Let me do this in a way nobody gets hurt,’ I told her.
She told me I couldn’t.
‘You can’t control everything in your life,’ she said, ‘someone will get hurt.’
But I desperately wanted to.
‘What if I say it this way?’
‘No. It won’t help.’
Then, she left. So I continued the fight in my head.
But I was caught in a checkmate. I had lost even before I began. How could I please everyone?
I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a see-saw. Going to one side meant leaving the other. Sitting together with one person would inevitably cause the other person to go up.
‘Are you happy?’
‘Forget about other people, think about yourself first.’
I know. I’ve been told this since I was a teenager.
Think about yourself, think about yourself.
I didn’t think I knew how to.
‘Are you happy?’ she asked.
I tried to pretend I was, but I knew I wasn’t, so I didn’t reply.
I knew I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t sad either. I was feeling worse than that.
I felt stuck.
And I hated being stuck.
I had a straightjacket on and no one around me could release me.
When you try to please everyone…
… you please no one.
So what do you do then?
Do you pick sides?
But what if you don’t want to pick sides?
You can’t ignore the problem. It festers and becomes a disease.
But the more you look at the problem, the bigger it seems.
So, you were right.
I really can’t control most of the things that happen.
Sometimes, things just happen, even when you try your best.
Action or words can’t necessary make things better.
So I let go. And I move on.
… or at least, for now, I’m learning to.