Here’s How To Be Truly Miserable

Here’s How To Be Truly Miserable

Blame the government for making the economy so bad that you are constantly anxious about losing your job.

And if you have already lost your job, be extra angry at the government.

Then, be angry with the government for making things more expensive than it used to be.

Things would not be this hard if they had done their job properly.

But enough about the government. Let’s move on to the next enemy: your parents.

I hope you kept some anger and resentment for them too.

Shall we begin?

First and foremost, blame your parents for making you take a degree you did not have any passion in. It’s their fault that you then had to take on a job you hate!

Blame your parents for leaving irreparable psychological scars in you when you were a child. (That is the real reason why you end up with dating the wrong person or being afraid of commitment altogether right?)

Blame your parents for not being understanding of you. It doesn’t matter that you are already a college graduate, your happiness and success is still their problem. Why didn’t they take better care of you?

Be so mad with them that you won’t even have a meal with them!

Of course, the government and your parents are only two of your many problems. Let’s address your third problem: your boss.

(Or, if you are an entrepreneur, change ‘boss’ to ‘partner’ or ‘client’ or ‘customer’. It will work just the same.)

Blame your boss for asking you to work on things you hate. And for working overtime when you had better things to do. And for cleaning up after him when he should have tidied up better. And for not giving you a raise. And for promoting her friends rather than you, who obviously works harder.

But never quit the job. Just keep complaining about your boss to your family, your friends… actually, anyone who has the time and patience to listen to someone rant and rant and… rant.

Then be mad at your friends for declining to see you. How could they be so mean?! What’s wrong with ranting?! 

So, here’s step number one on how to be miserable: Every time you have the opportunity to own up and take responsibility, find a convenient scapegoat and put the blame on them instead.

Once you have gotten used to blaming other people, it’s time we move on to the next step: be mean to yourself.

People who are experts at being miserable know one thing: the worst thing to do if you want to be miserable is to love yourself.

To be absolutely miserable, you need to get into the habit of fault-finding. Never say to yourself, ‘It’s okay.’

BECAUSE IT’S NEVER OKAY. NOTHING IS OKAY.

No matter how successful you are in life, find a fault anyway.

If you don’t look like a model, punish yourself by comparing yourself to airbrushed figures on magazine covers.

When someone says to you, ‘Oh my you are beautiful/handsome’, think to yourself, they’re just being kind, then, say to them, ‘I’m not. Have you seen this chunk of fat?’

If you miss even just one clean meal a day, make sure you tell yourself, ‘What a fatty you are! This is why you are unattractive!’

Oh my, that’s a lot of work! Let’s take a breath of fresh air before we continue.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Alright, let’s continue.

Before you make a change in your life, tell yourself all the reasons why change can’t happen… to you.

Yes, that’s right. Change can happen to anyone – absolutely anyone – except you.

Some reasons you can use:

You were not born the right way.

You don’t have IT in you.

You are not LUCKY enough.

Life is simply UNFAIR.

But even if you do try to change, give up easily. Give up early.

Be impatient. Expect success to happen overnight.

If you go to the gym today, expect abs in 7 days.

If you learn to program, expect to build the next Facebook in 30 days.

Get what I mean? You can apply this technique to just about any change you are trying to make! It simply works in all scenarios.

The trick is to compare yourself to people who are already very, very successful.

Forget that they worked really hard, for many years, to get where they are today. It doesn’t matter. If it appears like success happened to them overnight, it must have!

Look down on small improvements.

Only RM100 extra money this month? You must really suck.

90 days of working out and eating right and you are STILL chubby? C’mon, why are you so lazy?

No matter what you do, always find a fault. Never encourage yourself.

And if you want to be extra miserable, find other people who have a habit of being mean to themselves too and be friends with them.

Hang out with them often and allow each person to talk about how miserable they are. The added benefit is that miserable people often love blaming other people too (see step number one above).

So, there you have it!

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to form a habit. So do try these on for at least 21 days to see the effects.

Oh, but if you already have these habits, wonderful!

*

In all seriousness guys, this is simply satire. Don’t be miserable.

Have a good Sunday 🙂


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